Torchwood Clips
by Bloodsong 13T
Summary: A collection of short one-shots for standard Torchwood. Look, now there's more! 1: Ianto finds a fan site. 2: Jack must deal with a bug. 3: Gwen has a dream about Jack. Not THAT kind of dream!
1. Thrilling Adventures of the Amazing - -

The Thrilling Adventures of the Amazing Team Torchwood

**Content:**

Rating: Teen

Flavor: Humor

Language: no

Violence: no

Nudity: only mentioned

Sex: references to smexiness

Other: contains excruciatingly bad writing

Era: Early Season 2

Number of Gratuitous Jack Deaths: 0/0

_Author's Notes:_

This is lovingly dedicated to all the Torchwood fan-fiction writers and readers. This story is **not** about any of you! Sorry to Owen fans, he didn't make it into this one.

Inspired by the Cheeky Monkeys of Dragon Age "lulzy smut challenge." I claim no responsibility. I blame my brain, which tossed this out this morning. (I would blame Zevran, but he's not even in this one.) Heck, I blame the Cheeky Monkeys! It's all their fault. Yeah.

Special thanks to spellcheck-dot-net for spelling and typo checks. Britishisms checked by ohinyan. Any mistake in their usage is my own.

* * *

**The Thrilling Adventures of the Amazing Team Torchwood**

===#===

"Oh look," said Ianto; "another Torchwood web site." It was his thankless job to occasionally troll the internet for these amateur investigators (stalkers) who kept posting 'top secret information' on the clandestine organization. Most of them were between harmless and clueless, but with the advent of digital cameras in every mobile phone, the local geeks liked to post all kinds of 'Torchwood sightings' online.

Toshiko leaned back in her chair, giving her eyes a much-needed break from her own screen. "There's not pictures of me and Gwen photo-shopped onto nude centerfolds again, is there?"

"Wot!" The aforementioned policewoman grabbed her coffee mug and hurried over. "When was this?"

"Did I miss something?" The captain's voice drifted down from the overhead walkway.

"You had to say the word 'nude,' didn't you?" Ianto said aside to Tosh. The tech grimaced sheepishly.

"All nudity needs to be cleared through my office," Jack said sternly, coming down the stairs.

"Sorry," Toshiko said. "But that site was accidentally terminated with extreme prejudice before it had a chance to clear your desk."

Jack chuckled with a lopsided grin as he joined the two women. They all ambled over to Ianto's desk and gathered around behind his chair. It was a really slow day at Torchwood when a web site was the main attraction.

"Oh," Ianto said, poking around the site. "It's not an information site, it's... fan fiction."

"We have fans?" Gwen asked incredulously.

"Some of us do," Jack quipped irreverently.

"And they write stories about us?" Tosh bent to peer more closely. "I'm afraid to ask."

"Clearly, it's all made up," Ianto assured her. "You," he said over his shoulder at the captain, "are apparently a blond Nordic god named Captain Jet Jaeger."

"Ooh! Actually... I think I know him."

"You have crystal blue eyes and 'rippling pectorals.' That sounds painful."

"Could be caused by subcutaneous leeches," Tosh explained eagerly.

"Your team," the archivist continued, "consists of a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead."

"Which one are you?"

"No... they are all apparently nubile graduates of the Charlie's Angels school for buxom women who want to do police-slash-spy work. One is a black belt in street-fighting style kick-boxing-"

"Didn't know you could get a black belt on the streets," Gwen snorted.

"Probably bought off a street hustler," Tosh told her.

"- another is a demolitions and firearms expert -"

"Gotta be the redhead," said Jack.

"- and the other is... get this: a world-class gymnast who 'uses her extreme agility and flexibility as a weapon to beguile, bedazzle, and kill.'"

"The blonde," they all chorused together.

Ianto clicked on the archive link and scanned the story contents. "It appears that the handsome and extremely virile captain- "

"This is so based on reality."

"- being an ex-jet fighter pilot," Ianto shot the smug captain a look; "flies his team to all sorts of exotic locations world-wide, where they wrest alien technology from despots, dictators, terrorists, and some sort of evil shadow organization. Probably the same guys from _The X-Files_ show. Bloody Americans," Ianto commented. "Oh, and for some reason, most of the technology seems to fall into the category of 'alien sex toys.'"

"Oh, _please!_" Gwen moaned.

"Can we bomb this site with the virus now?" Tosh asked.

"No, wait," said Jack; "bookmark it! I want to read some!"

"I don't think even your enlightened fifty-first century sensibilities could survive this dreck," Ianto warned him.

"It can't possibly be any worse than the James Bond Bondage site that I-" He stopped abruptly as all three of his team members stared at him - "Um, that I never heard of." He cleared his throat. "Does it have hentai tentacle monsters?"

Ianto wrinkled his nose. "Definitely."

"That's classic! You can't destroy this site! Look how many followers it has. You would be denying the world this rare and unique art form."

"A hundred and fifty-seven mouth-breathers would have to find some other form of entertainment," Gwen decried in dramatic sarcasm. "Oh. The humanity."

Ianto scanned through an entry, then started reading aloud. "'Her eyelids flapped open as he bent over her, his deep blue eyes looking deeply into the depths of hers. The intensity of his blue balls made her hot pants faster and looser. He genitally' - yes, that's what it says, 'genitally'- 'genitally wiped the tears from her cheeks...'" He had to stop. The rest of the passage would have been drowned out by the women's laughter at any rate. Gwen doubled over and spilled her coffee, she started laughing so hard. Tosh actually snorted.

Jack tried to retain his composure. "Hey," he said. "That takes a lot of skill, dexterity, and massive amounts of self-control."

"Oh God, stop!" Gwen wheezed. "You're going to make me pee myself!" She thunked her mug down on Ianto's desk, and raced for the loo. Tosh followed more slowly, staggering, still giggling and snorting in a totally unladylike manner.

Ianto watched them go with a thoughtful look. "You don't see that around here too often," he said. He tried to remember the last time Tosh had laughed aloud. The stress of the job had been getting to Gwen, too.

"See," Jack told him. "This site has immense intrinsic value."

"I do suppose that's what the followers use it for. Comedic relief."

"Don't delete it."

"All right. I'll send you the URL, but I am not bookmarking it." Ianto smoothed his tie unconsciously. "I'm definitely not going to read any more of it."

...

At least, not when and where anyone might overhear him giggling like a naughty schoolboy.

===#===

* * *

_End Notes:_

Jack: "It can't possibly be any worse than the James Bond Bondage site that I- Um, that I never heard of."

- For more laughs, feel free to insert your own favorite/most-hated/craziest fandom here:

The Harry Potter Bondage site...

The Naruto Bondage site...

The Twilight Bondage site...

The My Little Pony Slash site...

etc.

I dunno, something about James Bond seemed to resonate with Jack for me.


	2. The Bug

The Bug

**Content:**

Rating: Teen

Flavor: Humor

Language: mild

Violence: implied cartoon violence

Nudity: no

Sex: a minor innuendo

Other: contains stereotypical gender roles, contains artistic use of all-caps.

Era: Early Season 2

Number of Gratuitous Jack Deaths: 0/0

_Author's Notes:_

Based on an incident at work. Loosely.

Oddly, Ianto didn't get any speaking lines in this one. That's okay, he doesn't need to say anything.

Props to 'Fluffy' from Sluggy Freelance!

* * *

**The Bug**

===#===

"Jack! Jack!"

Torchwood's captain tensed as Gwen and Tosh burst into his office, slightly breathless, faces drawn. "What? What is it?"

"There's a bug in the loo," Tosh said.

"A bug?"

"A huge bug," Gwen added.

"Hairy!" Tosh emphasized.

Jack frowned in confusion. "What, an ordinary Earth bug?"

Gwen huffed with impatience. "No, a huge, hairy, ordinary Earth bug!"

Jack still didn't understand why two of his competent, capable agents had come running to him. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked, baffled.

Gwen folded her arms with a stubborn Welshwoman scowl. "Are you, or are you not, the six-foot-four, broad-shouldered, strong-jawed, heroic man around here?"

"Uh...," he said slowly, eyes flicking between them. He sensed a trap. "Yeah?"

"Then it's your job to get your arse in there and get rid of it!"

"What? But-! How-?" Gwen just gave him the hairy eyeball. Tosh nodded vigorously. How sexist was this? Jack looked past them with some small hope of escape as Ianto appeared in the doorway. The young man presented a fly-swatter, hilt first. Jack groaned. "I can't believe you two are afraid of a little bug!"

"Huge!" Tosh corrected.

"And hairy," Gwen added, her Welsh accent growing stronger in ire.

"But you're not afraid of bugs!" He insisted, looking back and forth between them. "Just last month we had to deal with two insectoid life forms; you guys didn't bat an eyelash."

"Well _giant_ bugs are no problem," Tosh said. "It's the little creepy-crawly ones that get on you. Those are the worst."

"Especially in the loo, where they might jump in your knickers when your defenses are down!" Both Gwen and Tosh shuddered.

Jack tilted his head. "You know, Gwen, if you need help searching your knickers for something big and hairy-"

"Don't," she warned him, voice frosting over, "even finish that sentence, Harkness!"

Jack put his head in his hands. "This thing could be sentient, you know."

"Fine! Go chit-chat it up and tell it to get the bloody hell out of our loo!"

"Jack," Tosh asked, "you're not afraid of bugs, are you?"

His head popped up. "No!"

Gwen closed in for the kill. "Then why haven't you gone down there and gotten rid of the bloody thing yet?"

"Okay, okay!" Jack got up from behind his desk and strode to the door. "I'll be the broad-jawed white knight in shining armor who slays the big bad bug to rescue the distraught damsels from distress." He accepted the fly swatter Ianto held solemnly braced over his arm, and snapped it upright in salute. The girls rolled their eyes. Jack shot a glare at Ianto, but the Welshman had his tongue firmly planted in cheek to keep from snickering.

Not so, the Torchwood medic. Owen was snickering up a storm as Jack led the procession past the med bay. "Not a word, Owen," Jack growled. "If it had been a snake, you'd be running up here, screaming like a girl."

"I would bloody not!" The doctor scowled. "I'd just shoot it. Gwen, why didn't you just pull out your gun and shoot the big bug, eh?"

She tossed her head. "Don't be daft, Owen. For just a little bug?"

Annoyed that his snark had been defeated, the doctor slunk back into his lair. The others waited while Jack continued down the corridor to the bathroom.

===#===

A few minutes later, he came back. "I couldn't find it," he said with a shrug.

"What do you mean you couldn't find it?" Gwen demanded.

"Did you look along the baseboards?" Tosh asked anxiously.

"Did you check behind the commode?"

"Yes! _Yes!_"

Gwen planted her fists on her hips. "And you came back here without finding it? It could still be there! Lying in wait!"

"Just biding its time for the opportunity to invade your knickers; I know, I know," Jack said sourly. Gwen glared twin daggers at him. "Okay, actually it heard me coming and fled in terror. I chased it away. It's gone! Probably halfway to Splott by now."

Gwen just kept staring daggers. Tosh lowered her head and gave him a look that clearly stated what she thought of his lie that wouldn't fool a five-year-old.

Jack glanced behind them at Ianto, hoping for some support, here. The Welshman's eyes were full of pity. Catching the barest inner edge of his lip under his teeth, he slowly shook his head. _You poor, poor fool._ Why hadn't he just lied in the first place? Jack slumped in defeat.

"All right," he said, drawing himself back up, gripping his mighty weapon, girding his loins. "You stay here," he ordered them, backing it up with a commanding gaze. "No matter what happens, do _not_ come down this hall until I tell you it is safe!" He turned and marched back to the loo.

Behind him, Gwen and Tosh looked at each other and shook their heads. "I swear," Gwen said, "why do we keep him around?"

"Amusement value, mostly," the technician said, thinking it over. "But you'd think he could do something useful once in a while."

A moment later, Gwen, Tosh, and Ianto jumped as Jack's scream tore down the hall.

"AAAUUGH! No! Holy Mother of Mercy, _IT'S HUGE!_" There followed a great clamour of swatting and banging and crashing.

Owen came running from the med bay. "What the-?" He skidded to a halt, gaping at his three co-workers who were just standing there in the hall. "What the bloody hell?"

Gwen only stood, arms crossed, tapping her fingers impatiently on her bicep. Tosh looked at Owen, crossed her eyes, stuck out her tongue, and waggled her head in a mixture of annoyance and droll amusement. A wry grimace twisted Ianto's lips. He quirked one brow then tipped his head towards the source of the captain's clamour.

"You Shall Not Pass! AUGH! Taste the wrath of my mighty FLY-SWATTER!" More banging and thumping accompanied the yells. "Back! Beast of the Pit!" _Swat! SWAT!_ "Thou shalt defile no more knickers!" _Swat! BANG!_ "I am the Champion!" _Thump!_ "I am the Master of the Universe!" _Whump!_ "I shall never be defeated!" _Wham Wham WHAM!_ "Return to the foul pit that spawned you!"

There was a mighty flush.

A moment later, Jack staggered forth. His face was red, his hair disheveled. The buttons at his cuffs and collar had come undone, and his shirt was askew. Huffing and puffing, he returned to his team. "Fear not, miladies! The Cursed Blight of the Loo has b-"

"Oh, shut it," Gwen growled.

Jack solemnly handed Ianto the fly swatter. It was bent sharply in the middle; the plastic swatting surface dangled limply, barely clinging to the handle by one corner. The Welshman cradled the poor weapon and gave it a proper moue of mourning as he looked down on it.

There was a moment of respectful silence.

Broken by Owen. "Cripes, Harkness; what a prat!"

Jack turned to Tosh and Gwen. "All right, ladies. Now you know who to call the next time you see a bug."

"Not _you,_" muttered Gwen, already starting down the hall.

Jack's smile of triumph was quickly dashed by Tosh. "Oh, no," she said, not fooled an instant. "I'll be sure to call Captain Jack Harkness: The Mighty Bug-Slayer! This is the most entertainment I've had all week!"

===#===

* * *

_End Notes:_

Owen: "Gwen, why didn't you just pull out your gun and shoot the big bug, eh?"

Gwen: "Don't be daft, Owen. For just a little bug?"

-Although Bloodsong has been known to kill bugs with a sword... :X


	3. Traffic Stop

**Traffic Stop**

_Content:_

Rating: Teen

Flavor: Humor

Language: mild

Violence: no

Nudity: no

Sex: innuendoes

Other: no

Era: Series 1, early Series 2

Number of Gratuitous Jack Deaths: 0/0

_Author's Notes:_

This is based on a dream I had. Biomechanical of here (stop censoring your own url FFN!) strongly suggested I turn it into a story. Although a few people agree with Tosh and can "totally see Jack doing that," I do believe it's actually out of character for him. See Ianto's "Big Dog" assessment for my opinion. So I have given the dream to Gwen. Yes, that's exactly how I dreamed it.

**Disclaimer:** I can barely control my brain when I'm conscious. I am NOT responsible for what it does while I'm asleep!

* * *

**Traffic Stop**

===#===

It was another slow day at the Torchwood Three Hub, for which Gwen was grateful. The team needed a breather now and again. She was also glad that Jack had gone along with Ianto so early in the day. She was going to burst if she didn't get to tell this story. "Tosh!" She hurried over to her co-worker's station. "I have to tell you about this dream I had last night."

"A dream?" Toshiko glanced once at her, then back at her screen.

Owen clumped up from his med-bay lair. "Where the bloody hell is the tea boy?"

"He and Jack went out for pastries."

"Oh, of course it takes two full grown men for that!" Owen was an ogre before he'd had his morning coffee. Afterwards, he was merely a troll.

"They'll be back in a minute," Gwen told him. "I have to tell you about this dream I had about Jack."

"Oh please," Owen sneered. "We don't want to hear about your steamy fantasies, Cooper!"

"It wasn't that kind of dream," she insisted. "Besides, you were in it, too."

"Me _and_ Harkness? Now that is just desperate, Gwen." He turned, raising his hands to cover his ears. "Too much information! Not listening!" He fled back to his lair.

"It was _not_ that kind of dream, you pervy-minded git!" Gwen yelled after him. She huffed in exasperation and rolled her eyes. Fine, Owen would just have to miss out.

"Why do you need to tell us?" Toshiko wondered, her attention still half on her computer.

"Because it was hilarious! I swear, poor Rhys thought I was having conniptions this morning, and I couldn't explain what was so bloody funny."

Tosh typed in one last command and swivelled her chair towards Gwen. "So what was this dream about?"

"Well, me and Owen were sitting in the back of the SUV- Jack was driving, of course. We were parked in some sort of military complex or something. Then suddenly, all these military police vehicles started surrounding one building, so we decided we should move.

"Jack drove to the gate, but there was a queue at the checkpoint, and you know how impatient he can be." The women shared a commisserative eye-roll. "There was a young fellow there; barely more than a freckle-faced kid." Gwen knew Jack had little respect for any authority figures, let alone some wet-behind-the-ears newbie, but in this instance, she had to agree with that sentiment, and it showed in her tone of voice. "He was coming up to the driver's side window, and I thought he had a shotgun at first, but it turned out to just be one of those really huge mag-lites. I don't know, maybe they don't arm the cadets. Well, Jack didn't want to bother with talking to him or waiting at this gate, so he just hauled the wheel over and drove out over the kerb."

"There wasn't a fence?" Tosh asked. One would expect such a thing around a military installation.

"Nope," Gwen said. "We just bounced right down onto the street. But this kid, I swear he was mental; he actually threw himself bodily at the SUV to try to stop us. He landed across the hood." Tosh snickered. "Of course then Jack had to stop. And then this kid was getting all military on us, he was yelling-" and here she lowered her voice, hoarsened it to imitate shouting- "'Get out of the vehicle! Keep your hands where I can see them!' He was really intense, and I said, 'God, what is this, his first day?'

"And Jack now, he has to get out and do what the kid tells him."

"He couldn't have liked that."

Gwen held up a cautionary finger. "Then he's yelling, 'Put your hands on the hood! Spread your legs!'"

Tosh threw back her head and laughed. "No!"

Gwen poked her with her finger. "Oh, yes! Of all the list of things never to say to Captain Jack Harkness-! And the captain is there with a big cheesy grin on his face."

"Oh God, no!"

Gwen reined back her laughter. "Me and Owen, we were just _dying_. And I was thinking, 'Good God, those authority types, they just hate when you're laughing while they're trying to be all authoritative. This is not good.' But I couldn't stop laughing." Gwen wiped tears from the corners of her eyes.

"Jack was enjoying all this _way_ too much. He's there going, 'Frisk me! Frisk me! I have a gun!' And the poor, sad fool, he's trying to search Jack for weapons, while Jack is trying to convince him to go all the way to a strip search." She had to stop; she had to just about rescue Tosh from falling out of her chair.

"That is just-!" Tosh struggled to speak. "Oh my God, I can totally see that actually happening!"

"Then the poor sod, he didn't have any handcuffs, so he reached in the window and pulled out the seatbelt to tie up Jack. Jack was flushed and a bit dishevled; I swear I don't know how he managed it without using his hands, but he had is coat halfway off and some of his shirt buttons were undone. Now the kid is tying his wrists, and he's grinning like a maniac, going, 'Ooh, bondage!'"

Tosh collapsed halfway on her desk in hysterics. "Tell me there's not more!" she gasped.

Gwen had to fight to catch her own breath. "No, thank God. The kid got toally fed up and then just left him there! So now Jack is tied up outside the driver side door, and he can't get loose. He's going, 'Hey, guys? Untie me!' And we don't want anything to do with him while he's in that state! We do _not_ know this man! He is not with us! Except, of course, that he's stuck on our SUV and we can't get rid of him! Owen insisted he was never going to get into any kind of bondage or un-bondage with Jack. So, of course, who has to be the adult in this situation? Me! I have to be the mature one to go out and untie Jack from the-"

She cut herself off abruptly as the door alarms sounded and the cog rolled open. Jack and Ianto entered, the latter carrying a white paper bag. Toshiko sat up, trying to stop giggling, while Gwen wiped her face again. "Did I hear my name?" Jack asked, strolling over to them.

"Ah, no," Gwen said.

"What's so funny?" he asked the women, looking from one to the other in curiosity.

"Gwen was just telling me a dream she had." Gwen shot Toshiko a look. "Uhm... I'm sorry, I have to run to the loo." Tosh escaped, snickering.

"So tell me about this dream. It sounds good." Jack grinned.

"Well, it was a kind of a 'you had to be there' sort of thing," Gwen hedged. She needed to kill Tosh.

Jack quirked a brow. "You had to be in the dream?" He glanced at Ianto, who just shrugged and headed off towards the kitchenette.

"Sort of?"

"Why don't you just tell me the punchline? Then I can spring it on you later and watch you laugh for some incomprehensible reason."

She _really_ needed to kill Tosh. "Ah, well... you see... it's a woman thing. Yes. Women's humor." She edged back towards her own desk.

"Hey, I'm really in touch with my feminine side," Jack insisted, pulling a puppydog look.

"Just, no, Jack. Forget it."

He sighed. "Oh, all right." He turned and headed up to his office.

Gwen sat back at her desk and breathed a sigh of relief.

===#===

Ianto brought the tray of coffees and patries up to Jack's office first. He set it down on the desk to parcel out the captain's share.

"So, Ianto," Jack said with a sly grin; "are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

The Welshman froze in place. His face was completely schooled of emotion, but Jack could see the gears whirring around behind his stolid demeanor. Oh what he wouldn't give to tap into some of those thoughts! After a moment or two, Ianto slowly said, "Maybe... but how would we get the chicken to wear the lederhosen?"

"What?"

Ianto shook his head. "Nevermind, sir." He straightened up and glanced at the monitor. "You're thinking we could simply find out what Gwen and Tosh found so funny by reviewing the Hub surveilence videos."

"Yep!" Triumphantly, the captain clicked the playback control.

The two men watched the replay in stunned silence. Jack's brows knitted into a fierce scowl. He was distracted by a high-pitched whine from the other side of the desk. He looked over at Ianto. The young Welshman seemed to be rocking slightly, and his lips performed all kinds of contortions, as if trying to wriggle off his face. All the while a sort of _mreee-mreee-mreee_ sound came from somewhere in his throat. Jack seriously worried that whatever alien was using Ianto's body as a host was currently trying to escape, or perhaps he really was an android after all and was short-circuiting. "Ianto?" he said in concern.

Ianto drew in a slow, deep breath, straightening his spine. He cleared his throat and seemed to regain control of himself. He turned with military precision and took a few steps to the door. The door he closed, slowly and calmly, until the latch clicked, preserving the soundproofing of the office.

Then he collapsed against said door, howling in laughter.

Jack frowned. "That's not funny," he said petulantly.

The laughter cut off abruptly, and Ianto looked over his shoulder at the captain. The Welshman's blue eyes regarded him a moment, and then he broke down into hysterical laughter again. He buried his face in the coat hanging on the back of the door, trying to muffle himself. His left hand slapped against the door.

Jack sighed and clicked off the replay. "That's no-!" He gave up, sure that the Welshman couldn't hear him over the laughter. He put his hands on his hips and waited for Ianto to at least run out of breath. Then he insisted, "I would never do that!"

"No, sir. Sorry, sir." Ianto straightened himself up, though his face was still red. He fussed with his tie and the button of his jacket. "That would be totally uncharacteristic of you. In that sort of situation, you would certainly have gone all 'Big Dog' on the poor sod, and had him cowering and piddling in his trousers, and he would have never again been fit for any duty more strenuous than crossing-guard. And even then, the primary school bullies would have kicked his shins and rolled him for lunch money."

"Yeah," Jack agreed, though with a touch of hesitation, not sure he wasn't just being wound up. He studied Ianto's face very carefully. His lips started doing that 'wave' thing again. Ianto cleared his throat and seemed to regain control of them. Jack frowned and pulled a notepad out from the clutter of his desk and started scribbling on it. _Handcuffs_, he wrote. _Military police uniform, billy club, utility belt, large mag-lite, army boots_. Ianto took the opportunity to finish placing Jack's coffe, napkin, and pastry plate carefully onto his desk. Jack tore off the top sheet of the notepad and handed the list to him. "While you're out at lunch, I want you to procure any of these items that we don't already have," he ordered.

Ianto took the paper and glanced at it. "What's this for?" he asked.

Jack unleashed his trademark cheesy grin. "So we can play Traffic Stop!"

The look on Ianto's face was priceless. He stifled a groan. "Yes, sir."

===#===

Toshiko ran back from the loo to Gwen's desk. "Gwen!"

"What?"

"I just had a horrible thought while I was in the loo! You know you told me the whole story about- you know- here in the Hub."

"Yes, but wh-?" Gwen's eyes went wide. "Oh, no!"

"The surveilance cameras!" they chorused together.

Tosh darted to her workstation and began pulling up the feeds. "I just hope we're not too-! Oh dear."

Ianto descended from the stairs and brought the service tray to the work area. "Ladies," he said politely. Tosh and Gwen watched him in apprehension. He put Tosh's coffee and pastry on a cleared spot on her side desk. Then he glanced at Gwen. His mouth did a strange little contortion, and then he snorted back a laugh.

"We are," Tosh said in defeat. "Too late."

"Oh sh-!" Gwen clamped a hand over her mouth.

Owen stomped back up, making a grab for his coffee. He looked at the three of them staring at each other with various comic expressions on their faces. "Did I miss something?"

Tosh, Gwen, and Ianto broke down into giggles and snickers.

"What did I miss?" the doctor demanded.

The captain's stentorian yell echoed through the Hub. "GWEN!"

"She's not here!" Gwen yelled back. "She, um-" she darted to grab her purse- "She suddenly remembered an emergency dental appointment!" she yelled on her way to the door. The alarms blared and she slithered through before it had even opened all the way.

"TOSH!"

"I- um, I mean- she's not here!" Tosh tried.

Jack leaned on the upper level railing and glared down. "Toshiko, I can see you quite clearly."

She looked up. "Oh. Uhm, yes, Jack? Can I help you?" She scratched her neck nervously and wished she could slug Ianto in the arm or something, because he was making high-pitched _mreee-mreee_ noises in his throat, and it was very distracting.

"I need a certain segment of surveilance footage erased and data-shredded, including all backups," Jack ordered. "I think you know the segment I mean," he added in a threatening tone.

"Right away, Jack! Yes, sir!" Tosh jumped into her chair and her fingers flew over the keyboard.

"And Ianto!" The captain glared down.

_Mreee mreee- cough!_ "Um! Yes, sir?" Ianto looked up in trepidation.

"Item number three on that list? Make sure it's a _big_ one!"

"Meep!" Ianto shrank. "Yes, sir." He gulped as Jack returned to his office.

Owen just stared at the lot of them. "What the _hell_ did I miss!?"

===_X_===

* * *

_End Notes:_

This has nothing to do with anything, but you can have 10,000 Bloodsong Points if you know that "_mree mree mree_" is the noise the Ticktockman makes at the end of "'Repent Harlequin,' said the Ticktockman" by Harlan Ellison.


End file.
